Kiss It Better Read online

‘Hi.’ She stayed behind the counter, near the fridge. ‘I’ve eaten half your chocolates.’ Like that was what he needed to know!

  He put the keys on the counter. ‘Sorry I bailed on you.’

  ‘You had reason.’

  ‘Hmm. Is Mum okay?’

  Obviously not, but he’d know that. ‘She’s worried about you. And your dad.’

  Not a flicker of expression passed over his face.

  She pushed on, not sure such strong self-control was a good thing, but pretty confident it was a Theo thing. Like her, he was the one in the family who could cope with anything. Except she’d learned that no one was that strong. He had to let someone be there for him. ‘I told Louise that we, you and me, were just pretending. Because of Leighton. That we’re not a couple.’

  She shuffled aside as he got milk out of the fridge and poured a glass. She watched him drink, long gulps with his throat working rhythmically. ‘Louise still insisted on explaining things to me so that I could tell you.’

  He rinsed the empty glass and left it upside-down in the sink. ‘Sorry you got stuck in the middle. Don’t worry about it.’

  ‘You’ll talk to Louise?’

  His mouth compressed. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Tonight?’ She pushed it.

  No answer.

  ‘Theo, you can’t leave her hanging.’

  ‘Until I know I can control myself, yeah, I can. Thirty-two years, Cassie.’

  She understood the betrayal. All of his life, a lie. And yet, not. ‘Your parents love you.’

  He walked away, crossing to the courtyard door, closing it, locking it.

  ‘Louise was young, had a fight with Gordon. They split. They weren’t married or anything. She got involved with a nice guy, a singer. But Gordon was the man she loved. She realised it and she broke things off with…your biological father. From what she said about him, he was sweet.’

  ‘Was?’

  ‘He died in a car crash when you were a toddler.’

  Theo closed his eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ She walked up to him and hugged his tense body.

  His arms stayed by his side, refusing her comfort.

  She rested her head against his shoulder. In a strange way she was giving him privacy; not being able to see his face. ‘Louise and Gordon got back together, then she found she was pregnant with you. Gordon promised he’d love you like his own and they married.’ She wanted to leave it there. ‘He does love you.’

  His muscles tensed even more. They had to be aching. ‘At the meeting, Uncle Pat said they all knew I wasn’t his son. They all knew — not my cousins, but the older ones.’

  ‘You’re family. Family isn’t always blood. It’s love.’

  He pulled away. ‘They voted for me. Every single one, except…Gordon. I quit.’

  Hell. ‘I expect they didn’t take that as final.’

  ‘It is for me. What else did Mum say about my father? His name?’

  ‘Dave Mawson.’ How awful to not even know his dad’s name. ‘He was a country and western singer. He looked like you.’

  ‘Great.’ He swung around, turned back, restless. ‘I don’t even know what to do with that information. I never looked like Gordon. I was always tall, athletic, unlike him. He always seemed so proud. Fuck! I wanted a guitar when I was thirteen, like teenage boys do. Gordon absolutely refused. Now I know why.’

  Reassessing his whole life.

  ‘Can I help?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘Okay.’ She wanted to hug him, hold him and tell him he wasn’t alone. If only his brother wasn’t in Iceland, maybe he could have gotten through to Theo. ‘I’m packed and I’ll get out of here. You don’t need me cluttering — ’

  ‘Stay.’

  ‘Theo.’

  ‘Where are you going? Back to Jardin Bay?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t invite myself.’

  ‘No, that’s not…of course you can stay with me. Dad’s in the Kimberley. The house is echoing. It’s just, shouldn’t you at least talk to Louise first?’ She studied the rigid line of his shoulders and stubborn set of his jaw. ‘She thinks Gordon will be bitterly sorry, angry with himself for what he did. You need to talk to him, too. His heart…the stress can’t be good for him.’

  ‘I’ve heard Dad’s, Gordon’s, apologies before. He says sorry but he blames everyone else.’ Theo headed for his room. ‘I’m not ready to hear that yet and not flare back.’

  And make everything worse, if that were possible. ‘All right. Okay. But couldn’t you stay somewhere closer?’ A hotel would be soulless, but family couldn’t ambush him there. She trailed him to his room. ‘Maybe someone from your mum’s family? Your Uncle Phil?’

  ‘Not family.’ A lot of anger there. He pulled out a duffel bag. ‘Cassie, I need to get my head clear.’

  Their eyes locked. She nodded. ‘Jardin Bay will give you that. I’ll book two plane tickets.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘But I’m going to tell your mum where you are.’

  ‘Five minutes before we board the plane. No, I’m not being mean. Mum’s capable of rushing here or to the airport.’

  ‘Fine, but you text her.’

  ‘Okay.’

  She left him jamming clothes into the duffel.

  ***

  The drive to the airport was silent and slow, thanks to the Friday evening traffic. Theo stared out one window while Cassie pretended to stare out of hers. Mostly she was trying not to sneak looks at him. He worried her. It was like there was an immense ice wall between him and the world. He’d retreated and put up the no trespassing sign in huge letters.

  Space, she had to give him space.

  The problem was that as tough and capable as he was, inside him had to be a devastated boy who’d lost his dad. Blocking out the world so that they wouldn’t see that vulnerable child wouldn’t save him from having to accept that part of himself.

  She’d give him a few days. If he could grieve, then he’d heal. The family would heal.

  Theo paid the taxi driver.

  She’d watched the dynamics at Brigid Care and at the long lunch. Theo was the family’s strong centre. He held them together, and he could tear them apart. They respected him, relied on him and loved him.

  If he buried the crying boy inside him and rebuilt a shell of himself, it would work for a while, but he wouldn’t be himself if he were hollow inside.

  She turned to him impulsively, although the busy airport entrance was hardly the place for a serious conversation.

  He forestalled her, lifting her backpack off her shoulder.

  ‘I can carry it.’

  ‘So can I.’ He had a bag over either shoulder, striding beside her. ‘We’ll check these, then I could do with some dinner. We have a couple of hours to kill, anyway.’

  They ate sandwiches at a small, rickety table and drank bitter coffee. Cassie washed the flavour of it away with bottled water.

  ‘You didn’t need to upgrade my ticket.’ If she couldn’t discuss serious matters, she could at least state her position on other issues. ‘It’s a waste to fly business class within Australia. Three or four hours of cramped leg space won’t kill me.’

  ‘Business class means a better chance we’ll sleep.’

  Like that would happen. She nearly snorted. He’d stay awake and brood. She’d stay awake and worry.

  ‘Would waiting in the private lounge offend your socialist sensibilities?’

  She did snort then. ‘It’s not so elite these days.’ With the mining boom, mine workers had become frequent flyers and often waited in the private lounges, wearing their fluoro work shirts. It was more common in Perth than Melbourne, but still. ‘I’d prefer to wait out here.’

  He raised an eyebrow.

  ‘I people watch. I like seeing the kids running around and guessing why people are flying.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ They stood. A
s they moved to the lounge, he put an arm around her shoulders.

  She looked up, surprised.

  ‘I appreciate everything you’re doing, Cassie. Being here. Thank you.’ He touched his mouth to hers, just the beginning of a kiss.

  And that’s when lights flashed.

  Chapter Seven

  ‘Mate, don’t do it. Someone will catch you on their mobile phone — sodding happy snappers doing me out of a job, and then how’ll that look? A bloke your size picking on an old, fat, short bloke like me?’

  The photographer had a point, but Theo had a harder struggle than he’d like to admit in reining in his urge to punch the man before stamping on his camera. His struggle must have been obvious because Cassie gripped his forearms.

  ‘That’s it, love.’ The photographer took another shot.

  ‘Would you stop?’

  The annoyance in her tone relaxed Theo. Weird that, but true. And as he relaxed so did she, so that her fingers slid down his wrists and clasped his hands.

  ‘Don’t even think about it,’ he warned the photographer as the camera started to focus again.

  ‘Nah. I reckon I’ve got the money shot. Unless you’d like to try a real clinch?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Were you following us?’ Cassie asked. She released his hands to turn and confront the photographer.

  ‘You’re not that important.’ The photographer was checking his camera display screen. ‘I was here for that footballer. What’s his name?’

  Theo didn’t care.

  ‘But I recognised him.’ The photographer jerked his head at Theo. ‘And then I realised it was you. You look a lot better than that photo on TV this morning.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Cassie said dryly.

  The photographer stowed his camera away and glanced up. ‘So, you gonna give me the story to go with that kiss?’

  ‘You’ve got a nerve.’ She sounded unwillingly amused.

  ‘Love, you don’t last in this industry if you’re not part rhinoceros. Hide like a bulletproof vest. Go on, tell me. Did your cousin lie like a rug? This one your boyfriend?’

  Cassie looked over her shoulder and up at Theo.

  He knew what she was asking: Were they? Keeping their pretence going, that is. He wrapped both arms around her, pressing his front to her back. It felt good.

  ‘That a yes?’ The damn camera came out again.

  ‘I think it’s none of your business,’ Theo said.

  Cassie covered his arms with hers, snuggling into him.

  ‘Right on.’ More photos, then a wave. The photographer vanished into the crowd.

  ‘You could let me go,’ she said.

  ‘Could.’ Theo rested his head against her hair, ignoring the people watching. ‘But you’re cuddly.’

  ‘I am not.’ She pulled free.

  They got seats off to the side of the lounge, and after a few minutes people stopped gawping at them.

  ‘You should phone your mum.’

  He glanced at his watch. ‘Twenty minutes till boarding. We agreed five, and I’m texting her.’

  ‘I want to renegotiate.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  Cassie tucked the strands of brown hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ears. ‘I think Louise would feel better if she heard your voice. You don’t have to say much.’

  ‘You’re right. I don’t.’ He had a short text planned, along the lines of, OK. With Cassie. Going to Jardin Bay. Talk later. Much later.

  ‘But if she really needs to talk with you and you make that impossible by flying to the other side of the country, how will you feel then?’

  ‘I can live with the consequences of everything I do.’

  She blew a raspberry.

  ‘Oh, that’s very grown-up.’ And he really oughtn’t find it cute.

  She huffed, and those strands of brown hair drifted up and settled back down. Clearly they annoyed her — although not as much as him. She tugged free the elastic of her ponytail and ran her fingers through her hair. ‘Theo, you can do this for your mum, so do it. If you were some wussy wimp whining in the corner, I’d let it go. But you’re not. You want space; you’ve got it. But let her know that you’re still her son. Don’t give the crack between you a chance to grow into the Grand Canyon.’

  He thought about arguing with her. Of course he wasn’t going to destroy his relationship with his mum. On the other hand, silence could be as abusive as words.

  ‘Fine.’ He dragged out his phone. ‘Mum? Mum, don’t cry. No. No, you can’t come around. I’m at the airport. Mum! Cassie’s here. We’re about to board the plane to Perth. I’m going to spend a few days in Jardin Bay. Yes, with Cassie. Mu-um.’

  He shoved the phone at Cassie.

  ‘What?’ She stared at him.

  ‘Mum wants to talk to you.’ He curled her slack hand around the phone. ‘This was your idea.’

  At that, her spine snapped straight and she raised the phone to her ear. ‘Louise?’

  He slumped in his seat. Hell, what was he? Fourteen? He was angry, resentful and unsure. He hated being unsure. He’d always known what he wanted. Who he was.

  ‘Yes, Louise, I promise I’ll call you. And Theo will be home soon. Absolutely. Okay, then. Okay. Take care.’ She hung up and dropped the phone on his stomach.

  He hadn’t slouched so much in years. He caught the phone as it started sliding to the floor.

  ‘Louise is crying again.’

  ‘I know.’ And he did feel bad about his mum’s distress, but he felt bad about so many things. He needed distance to sort out his own emotions, and then what to do with himself. What else would he need to know? Did he have other half-siblings?

  His chest tightened and actual pain struck. Connor was his half-brother, not full brother. Did it matter? Theo had always been closer to their dad. From the time he could toddle, Connor was more inclined to be off by himself investigating and inventing things. How would Connor feel to discover Theo hadn’t had any claim on Gordon?

  ‘At least we know your dad’s okay,’ Cassie said.

  ‘Pardon?’

  She stood, looping her handbag over her shoulder. ‘They’re calling us to board.’

  ‘What about Dad?’

  ‘If he’d had chest pains or anything Louise would have told us. So now there’s nothing you might blame yourself for when we go to Jardin Bay.’

  He walked beside her to the boarding gate. Usually he picked things up, added two and two and made four. But he hadn’t picked up that her concern that he spoke with his mum was about protecting him from regrets. He looked at her as she walked easily a couple of steps in front of him.

  She was a good friend.

  ***

  Cassie hadn’t ever flown business class before, even though her family could afford it. There was a sneaking pleasure in it, even if the late hour meant sleep, not an elaborate meal, was the order of the day. She wriggled in the luxurious sense of so much space on a plane. It wasn’t that she forgot the heartbreaking issues Theo was dealing with: she just couldn’t resist enjoying the moment.

  Outside the window, the airport fell away and then there was the stunning beauty of city lights glittering below them.

  She almost giggled as a memory of travelling in Africa presented itself for comparison. Here, no one sat on the floor or plonked his or her kids on top of a chicken cage already inhabited by noisy, smelly birds. Here, there was subdued lighting, soft-voiced stewards and security. Her smile faded. Safe in Australia, you didn’t have to bribe brutal guards for the right to travel further.

  Would her guilt ever fade?

  When she couldn’t cope with the harsh life in Africa’s refugee camps, she’d had a haven to return to. Home waited with its comforts and security, with the freedom to live however she liked. And how did she want to live?

  The exhaustion that had made her dread working as a nurse again was gone. She had nothing to hide behind; the stark choice to use her nursing qualification or abandon them was hers alone.<
br />
  Uncomfortable emotions twisted in her stomach. Her month’s reprieve was over. It was time to take up responsibility for her life again. To build a new life, since the one she’d planned was gone, destroyed by her weakness.

  The darkness outside the plane pressed in. Reflected in the glass she saw her own face, a glimpse of Theo, and the blurry luxurious world of business class. She leaned back.

  Theo had his eyes closed. He couldn’t be asleep yet, but he’d retreated into his own thoughts. Thoughts a thousand times more painful than hers. She studied the lines of his face: the strong nose, the full lips and square chin. His chest rose and fell rhythmically. Her own breathing steadied. There was a strange intimacy in resting beside someone.

  He’d had an appalling shock, but the strength in him was genuine. He had his own identity beyond being a Morrigan. That’s what would save him. He felt betrayed now. Well, he had been betrayed, first by silence and then by Gordon’s brutal, manipulative telling. But the core of Theo was purely him. From that core, he’d build his new life; not quite what it would have been without Gordon’s announcement.

  Both of them building new lives.

  Would Theo return to medicine?

  He’d been so determined to run Brigid Care and she’d been so scathing about wasting his training. How ironic if he returned to being a doctor and she abandoned her nursing.

  Imperceptibly her circling thoughts muddled and slipped into sleep.

  Theo woke her with a touch to her shoulder. ‘We’re about to land.’

  She stretched and sorted herself out, folding the blanket the steward had given her. ‘Did you sleep at all?’ The groggy, anaesthetised feeling of interrupted sleep weighed down her muscles.

  ‘A bit.’ He hesitated. ‘I’m actually quite awake. All that interrupted sleep as an intern. I’m used to it. Would you mind if rather than booking into a hotel for the remainder of the night, we hired a car and drove down to Jardin Bay? I’d drive, so you could sleep. I know it’s not as comfortable as a bed.’

  But they’d be home. She’d be home. And clearly Theo wanted Jardin Bay and not the impersonal blankness of a hotel room. ‘Okay, but if you feel sleepy, tell me and I’ll drive for a bit.’

  ***

  Theo organised the hire car while Cassie went off to buy coffee.